Monday, September 17, 2018

How do I hate thee, Hair Salons? Let me count the ways.

(I published a previous version of this article earlier this week in which I tried to be measured and composed. Turns out, it did not nearly begin to cover the blood lust that I feel about my last visit to the hair salon. So--here is the 2.0 version. New. Improved. Rant-ier.)




1. You sell personal dissatisfaction.

I read an article in the newspaper a couple of weeks back about a woman's experience getting Botox. She described in several paragraphs what drew her interest in getting it done, but then, once she had; and realized she preferred her face with movement, suddenly the fact that that botox exists was the fault of 'male expectations of beauty'. I rolled my eyes and called bull roar on that conclusion. She got Botox because she thought she'd like to return to her face prior to the appearance of the horizontal forehead lines that everyone gets eventually. 'Male expectations of beauty' had nothing to do with it. Not once in the preambling paragraphs did she allude to any men who were telling her to iron out her skin. Let's be frank, it was her own expectations of how she wanted to look--her personal expectations of beauty--that prompted her to make the appointment.

I know because that is always what prompts my visits to the hair salon. Feeling personally dissatisfied and hoping that someone will know just the right colour, or just the right cut that will make me feel good. This is the chink in our feminine armour. This is the the deficiency that the beauty industry--not just hair, but make up and fashion--exploits in their marketing. If we just bought the right product, or got the right treatment, we will feel good about ourselves. It's never, ever the case. The post-purchasing high is so fleeting, it is almost non-existent.  So, when I accuse the hair salon of selling personal dissatisfaction, I also need to stop buying it. Because honestly? Washing my hair is usually the best thing I can to do improve my appearance; and that doesn't cost me nearly three hundred bucks.

2. Your magazines suck.

Who are these 'celebrities'? Does anyone know who any of these people are? Shouldn't there be some kind of standard as to what qualifies someone as a celebrity? Plus, if you're just going to publish pictures of people I don't know coming out of Starbucks, I might as well just look out the salon window. Can't we get a Canadian Living or a Bon Appetit? I could peruse some recipes. What about some long form journalism? I'm going to be sitting here for three hours. I could finally figure out what the Crimea Crisis was about.

3. My annual appointments cost more than my car insurance.

There are no words for this. Just imagine a guttural scream of rage and pain.


4. A lawyer drew up my will for the same cost as partial highlights and hair cut.

Anyone considering law school should maybe go to beauty college instead. More lucrative.


5. You also want me to tip.

I didn't tip the lawyer. I feel somewhat bad about that now in comparison.


6. You put up cutesy little signs promising a teeny price increase every damn time I'm there.

So help me, I will rip down your stupid adorable sign!


7. I get charged extra for tin foil and a tablespoon of dye.

Now, I am not an unreasonable person. I understand that people have different types of hair and one person might require more dye or more tin foil than another. But presumably other individuals require less dye and less time in application. Yet both pay the same base price. A price, that the salon sets which allows them to make a profit regardless of occasional outlier with super thick, long hair. But, at nearly one hundred dollars an hour, one would think the salon is still making a tidy profit, no?


8. I get charged extra for my hair being blown dry.

Gotta love that the cost of the haircut only includes the shampoo and cut because there is nothing like spending big bucks at the salon only to walk out with wet hair. The salon I went to years ago before being gouged by my current salon had the gall to charge $8 for the use of their conditioner. Not some special 'deep' conditioner. Just the stuff that you use so you can comb your hair out. No one asked if I wanted conditioner. Just wash, rinse, and run it down the drain.


9. I get charged extra for the toner that brings about the desired colour result.

Not to quibble, but if toner is necessary to bring my hair to the desired colour--shouldn't that just be included in the 'colouring' cost?


10. Your salon is kind of a dump. This isn't some Enya-infused spa experience. It reeks of chemicals and I'm wearing a borrowed robe worn a thousand times before and getting the downdrafts from a neighbouring hair dryer.

During the course of writing this article I've had a (non-Enya-inspired) epiphany. Hair salons are the mechanic shops of the female grooming sphere. They play off our fear of not being pretty to sell us services that this vehicle doesn't need. They add in charges that should come standard and imply that it would be a terrible risk to go without.

There's the truth that cannot be denied: Abstinence is the answer, folks.

11. Scalp 'massage'? Are you kidding me? Torturous. We are all just enduring it.

'Scalping' is actually a very applicable term for the whole experience.

12. 'Complimentary' hand massage? Ha! (And also, why?)

How about including the cost of the extra tablespoon of dye, the foils, the toner, the conditioner and the blow dry, and just leaving my hands out of it, hmm?


13. Every appointment lasts three hours.

If this has to be the case, next time let's set up a DVD and get through the Lord of the Rings Trilogy while we're at it.


14. You offer me tea or coffee as though that makes up for it all.

The mechanic plays that game, too.

15. It. Doesn't.

Well done, hair salon. I am now Cortes. I am burning the ships. I am going to make my way in the new world without you. Does the market offer nothing between a ten dollar box of hair dye and the exorbitant prices salons charge? Surely there must be something. I'm going to find out what.



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