What the hell is the deal with all these awesome surplus Christian women? Has there been a war that I didn't know about and now there is a vast disparity in demographics? Is it post WW1 and suddenly we single gals are realizing that we'll be the old maiden aunts forever? Are we doomed to stare longingly at the faded photographs of our could-have-been relationships and pine tragically? What major event within the wider Church have I missed? I'm not the only one asking. Where did the guys go? Do we need to mount an Amazon-like rescue mission? Because, honestly, I think we would if knew that the Red Bull had driven all the Unicorns into the Sea.
I know these women are awesome because I know them. They are so much fun. They are smart and courageous. They are well-read and competent. Often they are teachers--or, they pursue education. They have their masters and Ph.D's. They volunteer and encourage and sing on the worship team. They are catches of the highest orders. But. But…there doesn't seem to be anyone waiting to catch them within the Church. (A lot of them don't even use the serious curse words like 'hell' and 'damn' and 'go eff yourself'…like I do.) Why is this? Why is there no one for them? I honestly want to know, and if by some random chance there are single Christian guys out there who read this, I hope you'll comment because I can tell you, we're all mystified.
There came a point in my twenties--I'm not exactly sure when it was--but when I gradually realized that the whole dating-relationship-marriage milieux suddenly felt like a game of Musical Chairs. It was a game of Musical Chairs and only some of us could hear the music. No chairs left. You are out of the game. So, you do what you need to do and busy yourself elsewhere. You live your life, enjoy your friendships and--wait. Wait for what? Waiting on God, we tell ourselves as we pop the latest Jane Austen adaptation into the DVD player. And the waiting works for a lucky (sorry, *blessed*) few. A couple of us manage to pick up a few stragglers. Maverick males who perhaps wandered onto our quarter section without the obvious mark of someone else's brand. And the rest of us are honestly happy for them. We're happy because we've seen their aloneness and prayed with them and know what it is like to be the only single person at the Christian Party. (Because let me tell you, Church, it is as un-fun a position to be in as you can possibly imagine. Stop with the abominably cutesy named Singles Groups, already. We're tortured enough.)
But the waiting doesn't really work. Not as a strategy for life. Because unless God's man for you is the Mail Man, the chance that he'll show up at your door (in a non creepy way) is pretty darn slim. So, some of us cast about for a different plan. Maybe we decide to the date the non-Christian guy at work who seems pretty great. Maybe we end up in a serious relationship that has all of our friends and family praying that we won't end up unequally yoked or sacrificing our virginity or something like that. Others take to the internet, trying not to vomit when the commercials come on promising to find God's Match For You. Some women get embittered. They decide that nothing is happening for them. That God has let them down. Not lived up to His end of the bargain. They will probably make some painful mistakes--maybe lose their faith altogether. These are sad stories.
Or, alternately, we get so afraid of making mistakes that we just don't choose anything--waiting for a sign from God. Imagine if a baby decided not to learn to walk because there was a chance that they might fall down. God would probably be so disappointed in that little baby! Surely He meant for the baby to lie there until the day he would know how to walk without error. Never mind the fact that you'll never learn to walk unless you make every possible mistake. Parents can try and watch so that their child doesn't take a painful tumble--but nothing drives the lesson home like consequences. I think that sometimes as Christians we think we have the perfect cheat key on how to do life without sin. Without mistakes. Besides being completely unattainable and lacking any grounding in human reality or Biblical basis--trust me--it is a horribly boring way to operate. Also, I've found that God doesn't usually send signs. Not the way that we would like, anyway. In fact, I wonder if Jesus gets a little offended that we're always looking for signs when He is right here with us.
"Come on, Jesus, send me a telegram already!"
"Um, I'm right here in the room."
We're scanning the horizon while He's waiting for us to turn around and look at some stuff with Him. Because we all have our junk, you know. (Not that kind of junk, minds out of the gutters, ladies.) We've got our stuff that we carry around with us like baby fat. We'd love to get rid of it and feel light and free, but we just don't know how. We feel trapped in some sort of corn maze without any exits. No way forward. No way back. And, feeling trapped and maybe a little bored, our minds might start to wander and you begin to think that there is probably some guy out there who could show up and validate you; rescue you, as it were. All of the things that feel disappointing in your life would probably disappear then. The things that you are striving for--maybe you want kids but that won't be happening without a husband--everything would be in reach if only God would send that guy in from the wings. He'd solve everything. You wouldn't feel lonely. You wouldn't feel judged. You would feel like life was starting.
I'm going to hit you with some truth I think you are already aware of. No one is coming, because the issue is not whether or not you have the right dude in your life. I think the guy is just the most common thing that women reach for to be the answer. But I've come to realize this is just a powerful mirage. It's a little sign we hold up to God to avoid talking about other things--things we really don't want to discuss--because they hurt so bad. And so He has to get our attention one way or another. Welcome to the Corn Maze! You are in it and Jesus is the only one who knows the way out. He's not going to give you directions, either. He will lead you out of it. But you have to be willing to go with Him where He wants to go. And if you aren't game to play by His rules? I promise you will just sit there and wither while He waits for you to come around.
"But I am willing to play by His rules!" you howl in utter exasperation. "I've been waiting for Him to tell me how. And not just marriage and family and stuff like that. My life. What difference does it make? Will it matter? I've been waiting for Him to show me what I'm waiting for. To show me what I am living for."
Are you really at the end of your rope? Are you prepared to jettison anything and everything that He wants to clear out of your emotional crawl space? You are? Great. Because I wonder if we spend a lot of time talking at Jesus about things that He isn't ready to discuss with us yet. It's like trying to book your Ph.D supervisor while you're still working on your undergrad. Yes, yes, we can talk about that in due time--but there are some slightly more pressing matters. So, if you're really ready--maybe it is time to ask Jesus what He wants to talk about. You might just be surprised what it is.
And, speaking from experience, it's probably going to hurt.
"What major event within the wider church have we missed?" That, honestly, is a question that needs to be addressed. Because whatever it is, the effects have gone on longer than those of your average war. I'm assuming a lot of the awesome women you're talking about are of your generation, but it's been this way for the full 20 years that I've been ahead of you!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favourite awesome women has an excellent motto: "Everyone is responsible for their own good time." It's mostly for parties, but works for life in general. It works whether a good dude comes along or not, because either way, you're still you, dealing with exactly all the same stuff you were dealing with before, only with another human being holding up a mirror so you can look at it 24 hours a day.
Thanks for your comment, Shelly. I totally agree that this has been going on a lot longer than my score and ten-ish. I am curious if there really is a huge gender disparity within the Church--or if it really is just a matter of perception. Perhaps I will hunt around for some statistics. Not that it really matters, I've just never heard anyone complain that there are no available women; unless of course it's the Wild West or Fort Mac.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this for some time, and what strikes me is that this phenomenon of Christian men being MIA is not worldwide; it seems (in my opinion, at least) to be an issue particularly in the West. And as Shelly points out, it's not a recent development. I can't help but think it's a case of reaping what has been sown, as far as feminist anti-male ideology starting in the 1960s-70s. That's where the trouble started: our parents' generation (ie, those born in the 1940s-50s) all partnered up easily enough, but it was in their generation that things really started shifting. And when things shift drastically outside of the Church, it impacts the Church, though perhaps at a slower rate.
ReplyDeleteI think that one huge change - and hear me out on this - is with birth control: with the sudden onslaught of oral contraceptives, and the idea that fertility is nearly entirely divorced from sexuality, all kinds of messages were conveyed to society that perhaps we did not realize. There was no longer social stigma attached to sex outside of marriage, because there was no (or very low) risk of pregnancy. Therefore, less motivation for men to marry. Also, the idea that children are a burden, and that we, and not God, are in complete control of our reproductive lives is an attitude that tears at the fabric of family life. No impetus to marry in order to enter into sexual relationships, and no impetus within (or outside of) of marriage to have children in any great rush. I see these as major shifts in male-female attitudes that have had very serious consequences that we haven't anticipated.
Those changes, together with concurrent changes in terms of feminist ideologies - "anything men can do, we can do", and "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" - have led to a serious devaluing of men in our western cultures. In the
Church, in response to these changes and the rightful view that women should be included in Christian ministry and leadership, I think we as women have at times (perhaps unintentionally) usurped men's roles. And then we are left with the cycle of men looking around going - ok, I'm totally not needed here, the women are running the show, this has gotten boring, so I'm out; followed by women saying - we'd love for men to lead, but there just aren't enough men here, so we'll take up leadership in the meantime; followed of course by men saying - who wants to be part of the Church when it's totally feminized, women are running the whole show. No thanks. Etc....
Now, I know some will immediately say - whoa there a minute, MY church is definitely not led by women; it's still all men! Yeah, there definitely are those churches. I'm not thinking about individual churches, but Western Protestant Christianity as a whole. And overall, the shifts between our grandparents' generation and ours in this regard has shifted very quickly.
Another big issue that I see, and let me throw this out for people's consideration, is pornography. Again, this is linked in with the whole devaluation of marriage, sexuality, and family life. But make no mistake: this is a huge issue for men in general; Christian men no less. There is increasingly less positive social affirmation or indeed pressure attached to the pursuit of marriage for men; and again if the reward of a committed sexual relationship is totally removed from that equation, there's little left that would seem worth fighting for, it seems to me, from a man's perspective. Can I date who I want, and perhaps be sexually involved? Check. Or, can I choose to address my sexual desires through pornography at home? Check. Does anyone expect me to get married? Maybe eventually, but they keep telling me they don't need me, so what am I really pursuing? Cutting my salary in half and supporting a wife and children? Not sure that's a super deal....
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's being cynical, but I do really think we are reaping the fruits of what the last 1-2 generations have been fighting for. And turns out, they were wrong. Marriage IS good; and sex SHOULD be within marriage; men ARE needed, and as women we should be encouraging of their leadership. Of course we can step in and get things done when needed; but that's not the point. We've got different gifts, and we all suffer when we're trying to do everyone's job.
I don't know how we fix this situation. Some of us will undoubtedly be collateral damage in that we may well forego marriage and family. But we can work to bring things back into balance for the next generation. And it's an opportunity to learn from other cultures: my African friends are not complaining of this trend, and indeed are marrying and having kids no differently than our grandparents were. Same as my Indian friends. I'm curious what any of you think about these ideas, because that's all it is, is a few ideas. But I'm convinced it's a cultural rather than Christian problem, which indicates to me that we as the Church in the West need to come back to our roots as followers of Christ rather than followers of culture. Just my two (and a bit) cent's worth!